Peer Review by lizbadiz (United States)

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Fantasy ❤️

By: BrainDeadWrites


    On a summer morning, I arise from my slumber. I'm soonly greeted by the sticky, thick, substance that binded by eyelids closed. Wiping it from my worn, sleepless eyes that were now blinded by the morning sun, I shift and claw my way out of the tight burrito of covers that wrapped tightly around my mattress. Legs straightening, I reach upwards, and stretch the aches and pains from my bones. I drag my feet as I made my way to my humble, wooden dresser. Besides the dresser, I had my mattress, a tall bookshelf, with a couple worn books upon its shelves, and a few posters scattered around my walls, nothing to special. As I slid the drawer out from its tucked away hole in the hollowed out wood, the material groaned and moaned from its old age and often use. I reach up, and scratch my small horns that were sprouting from my scalp, "Hmmm.." I thought about my outfit. It shouldn't be to dark, yet to lively, not to light, nor to heavy... My eyes and hands were eagerly searching throughout the piles of clothes stashed in the compartment as I thought. 'Not this, way to pink...' or 'Not this either, way to warm,' were the main thoughts circling my mind. I finally decide on my Queen T-shirt, matched with a pair of black, slightly ripped jeans. I slide the clothes I had slept in, off and onto the cold floor. Before I redressed, I stepped in front of the mirror in the corner of my room. My small, demon- like tail swayed back and forth slightly as I stared at my reflection. The truth is, I'm not that out-of-shape, but compared to other girls, I look like an elephant. Other girls are skinny and have small thighs, while I have a bit of chub, thick thighs, and big hips. Their busts are small, and make them look mature. But my breasts are big, and round. They make me look like a hooker you could picked up off the side of the road. I hate my body, I really do. Some of my friends say I'm 'Thiccc.' But I have no idea what that means, to be honest. Maybe it's a hidden insult, an inside joke that is meant to go over my head. Most likely. "Enough with being gloomy, I should finish getting ready." I thought aloud. I slip on my favorite bra and matching underwear, followed by my chosen clothes. After slipping some white socks on, I threw on my black shoes and leave my depressing room. I sneak down the creaking steps and out the door. The warm summer's breeze blew, birds chirped, and the sun shined. "What A beautiful day." I begin my morning walk to school, soon to feel a vibration in my pocket. I pull out my phone and check my notifications. It was a text from.. 'Huh?' I stared, puzzled at my phone. 'Unknown number' is what it was titled. Shrugging it off, I open my phone and read the text. "Hey, it's me, Kirito. Your friend, Nana-Kun gave me your number." "WAAA? HOW? WHYYY?" I break into full fangirl. "I can't believe he texted me!" In case you are wondering, Kirito is a very close friend of mine, our parents are friends, which gave us a chance to grow close. Although he is like a brother to me, I never could get my hands on his number. As the years went on, he gained popularity, which pushed us apart. Not to mention, every girl would get mad jealous if I was caught talking with him. They all seem to take a liking to him. But I get it, his short Chestnut hair, his ocean eyes, his deep and raspy voice, his low chuckles, his chiseled body.... GAH UMMM ANYWAY... Everything about him could make a girl weak in the knees, even if he was a player. He has probably made out with every girl in the school, well everyone but me, WHICH I'M OK WITH THAT! Anyway... His actions have kind of made me hate him, he is still dear to me, but he spends more time with girls he barely knows, than the girl he has spent most of his life bonding with. I snap out of my thought, as I realized I've arrived at the hellhole they call school. Piles of kids crashed through the doors, tall ones, short ones, ones with ears, ones with tails, all sorts of kids.

ANNNNNNNNDDDDDD that is it for now, I will continue, I promise!


Peer Review

There were some real gems in here where I could see a great writer's voice shining through. If we can just get all these commas cleared away, we might be able to see more of it!

I want more details about the demon thing! I think you're really missing out on something that would be super cool to expand her being a demon a metaphor for how she feels like an oddball? Are there other demon kids at her school? TELL ME MORE!

Reviewer Comments

This piece would be much more digestible if it were multiple paragraphs rather than one big chunk. You need (need, need, need!) to start a new sentence every time someone speaks! That said, I'm a fairly harsh grader, but you have a lot of potential with this piece. Good job and have fun expanding it!