Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
There were some real gems in here where I could see a great writer's voice shining through. If we can just get all these commas cleared away, we might be able to see more of it!
I want more details about the demon thing! I think you're really missing out on something that would be super cool to expand upon...is her being a demon a metaphor for how she feels like an oddball? Are there other demon kids at her school? TELL ME MORE!
This piece would be much more digestible if it were multiple paragraphs rather than one big chunk. You need (need, need, need!) to start a new sentence every time someone speaks! That said, I'm a fairly harsh grader, but you have a lot of potential with this piece. Good job and have fun expanding it!