Peer Review by hmkeselman (United States of America)

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dark times

By: Crime_time


FREE WRITING

the darkness spreads across the land as death tries to take my hand
i jump off 200 feet nobody seemed to notice me
i forgot how it happened my eyes darkened
but i know where it came how i stopped the pain
when i was young i hurt my tongue my father told me to bite my thumb
the pain stopped after i bit my hand the pain became bland
i do the same thing with red lines but nobody sees the signs
cold water rushed me as i hit life line just with just a snip
i fall down even though you don't always need water to drown

the knife shines bright glowing red with blood on this starless night
the body of a woman laying on the ground her blood all around
the kids watch in fear as the man with the knife comes near
eyes brimming with tears the child stands up as the man draws near
the knife digs into her skull and with another kill the knife becomes dull
the life line cut snapped in two she looks at the man she thought she knew
her father is there standing over her speaking in a drunken slur
she knew the day  would come when she died by her father's hand but who care in this murderous man's land

a bit dark

Peer Review

Ok, um, well this was certainly emotional. It's hard for me to critique such raw emotion because everyone feels it differently. I just loved how their was a clear color scheme throughout it, the red of blood, and the black of night. It painted a picture for the reader, dark as that picture may be.


The second half of the first stanza is a bit confusing. I think you could find another way to express your feelings without making the story of your poem hard to follow.


Reviewer Comments

Great work!