Peer Review by Pi_Pen (United States of America)

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the sun is set but all i see are the spaces between the stars

By: r|A|i|N


FREE WRITING

and i’m watching the blood
in the sunset—smothered red
(like the cuts in my toes from
rough pool corners or pink twisted 
shells on the fat spiky shore), sun
descending from a splattered ink
sprawl, the fiery orb going slow and
then fast in the impenetrable drop—
a waning disco, a clambering countdown
(like new year’s day, like every day
was a new year, gone again as the
tide washes the colors away).  
so it sets but all i see are the spaces
between the stars, smelling gory ocean
air hot as hellfire, feeling chapped lips
like burnt parchment as a tongue passes over,
tans like strips of cardboard that cost
raw salmon rashes.  “the sky is blue”
but the ocean is bluer, a hasty murderer that
sent salt spewing down my pinkened throat
and into the world inside, little mollusks
that burrowed into my wrenching stomach,
burning like the orb.  but the sun is set.  
so it is.


Message to Readers

draft ii


Peer Review

The description is simply stunning. Honest, bright, radiant. The use of parentheses is very clever and a perfect way of demonstrating how the human mind tends to wander and compare. A beautiful part I particularly adore is: "descending from a splattered ink / sprawl, the fiery orb going slow and / then fast in the impenetrable drop": a rich and intelligent description that stands as a manifestation of the author's talent. I also adore the change from lines of beautiful and tranquil description to aggressive and violent ones that force the reader out of the trance of admiring the sunset, only to then allow them to return to it.


I am not certain of how I might be able to improve such a splendidly written piece. It reflects the human mind in all its reality and brings the reader to a deeper reflection of the sun, the universe, the sea, the water, one's self. It not only admires but attacks nature from all aspects and collects the essence of what the world is.


Reviewer Comments

This piece is beautiful and courageous. The setting sun and the ocean may be classical themes of poetry, but this work is all but traditional. Its originality expresses the world and its phenomena in a sincere and beautiful way.
I truly adore this poem, and I must conclude by congratulating the author on yet another marvelous piece.