Peer Review by lizbadiz (United States)

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The First #tellastory

By: Wicked!


FREE WRITING

“This view is just amazing,” she says, peering out of a viewing aperture.

I go and stand next to her. The sight is certainly stunning. The galaxy looks splendid when you see it with your own eyes.

“It’s beautiful. But not more than my girl,” I say.

She laughs and gives me a peck.

“I can’t believe that we were the only volunteers for this. Would you ever get to see this on Earth, with that stay-within-the-designated-limits-or-you’ll-die-of-radiation crap?” she says.

 “Not everyone’s that dauntless, you know.”

“Well, I’m glad that you aren’t one of those pussies”, she says, wrapping her arms around me, "Or I’d never have met you”.

“So. Tomorrow’s the day. You’ll become the first person to actually step out of our Galaxy.”

“Yeah. I’m so excited, I think I might forget to collect the samples when I get out there”, she giggles.

“You’d better go and sleep now. You need the rest. I need to do some more tinkering with the controls.”

“Okay, then.Good night.”

She kisses me and goes off.

*****

After I’m sure that she has slept, I reach out behind her pod, pull out the wires that I’ve already marked, and go to my own pod to sleep.

In a few minutes, she’ll die of asphyxia.

Tomorrow, I’ll become the first person to step out of our Galaxy.

They had thought that I wasn’t good enough for the job. They had thought that I’d better be a backup, in case anything goes wrong.

Well, now it will. The astronaut they thought was impeccable will die because she didn’t set the oxygen gauge correctly—or so they’ll think when I’m done—and I’ll have to do her job instead.

Tomorrow, I’ll become the first person to step out of our Galaxy.


Message to Readers

This is for amohn04's #tellastory contest as well as for KiwiCat's contest. Go check them out!

Feedback is greatly appreciated. I don't mind harsh criticism at all, so be brutally honest.


Peer Review

I loved that plot twist!


I'd like to know more about these characters...how long have they been in space? What's happening on Earth? And so on.


Reviewer Comments

This is a really great piece. I didn't have a lot to criticize here. You did a great job with all the mechanics of writing. Maybe deepening both these characters would lead to more writing ideas. Good job and keep writing!