Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
So yesterday I discovered a film program happening over the sumer. I REALLY want to get in, but I have to get accepted and get the scholarship for it first. These are the essays I had to write for it and they are ridiculously important to me. So if you could review this piece I would be forever grateful!! Thanks so much! :)
Your passion is beyond incredible. I really hope you get into this camp, as it seems that this is something you have been looking forward to and working towards.
Read through my annotations. Parts where you are sharing a story, focus on giving a little bit more than the bare bones, share some pictures, even if they are simple.
Really try to be descriptive and give a great picture for your readers. It will catch their attention and they will want to continue reading your piece. Also, be very aware of word choice and try to pick stronger words, not just 'good' and 'bad'.
Please don't be afraid by my long explanations or annotations, you really wanted this piece to be reviewed and I want to help you get into this camp as much as I can.