Peer Review by Araw (Australia)

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cOsMoS

By: r|A|i|N


FREE WRITING

you're beautiful (darling) i remember
when i told you these words i was inhaling
the blond tusks of your flaxen hair your
pretty pewter eyes in my hard solid
sockets and you wanted to kiss me and i
said okay.  you're precious (angel) i was
stuck in the molds of your symmetrical
skin since i saw you at first chiseled
cheeks in my shattered eyes staring like
you loved me and it was alright.  you're
fire (baby) and i'll stay warm rather
than freeze in the real world because
it hurts so much where everything is.  you're
sugar (dearest) and i'd eat you again
and again gnawing at your perfect face your
beautiful bones, as long as it  would take to
make you real
but i'm stuck
with poisoned neurons and bloody
eyes ready to stare, ready to
tear yours open with a ceaseless, with an
empty empty void.  (_) you're a lifeless
assessment of a world that
isn't there.


Message to Readers

revision ii
this revision i wanted to make more obvious the disordered personality of the main character. i think that people didn't understand last time that this was more about a personal struggle than a relationship. it's not personal to me in any way, but here's a tiny warning if you're sensitive to psychologically heavy stuff.
i didn't get a lot of comments on the first draft, and i wanted to tell you all (again) that feedback, particularly criticism, is very important to me. if you could spare a comment for this piece it would mean the world! (probably not the cosmos though :) )


Peer Review

Like this isn't one particular thing that I like, rather, a combination of many things that make this poem incredible. This work has a great variety of techniques and is very cohesive. There is also something about it that displays your confidence as a writer. What I mean by that is the way you use techniques and the words you choose make it clear that you know what you're doing when you write. It shows maturity in your style, something often absent in many young writers.


I feel like while you are extremely articulate and you have the ability to write some beautiful things, there is a risk of overwriting and making some parts a little difficult to understand. I think there's only one instance of this in the poem and that might have just been me, but I think that overwriting in general does make some parts harder to understand and may even be intimidating to some readers. What makes this a little difficult to fix is that there is a very fine line between great writing and overwriting. I think that you've got a pretty good sense already of which is which, so I'd suggest just being a little more careful.


Reviewer Comments

This has become one of my favourite poems. Honestly your works are always a pleasure to review. Keep writing, keep improving!