Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
They use examples that we, as teens can relate to. She uses very catchy diction to get her point across.
Social media has many negative effects on teenagers and young adults, including causing eating disorders, bullying, and feeling ugly.
There is a personal anecdote about a girl who was bullied because of her weight. This gives the paper pathos and emotionally draws in the reader.
I think in this area the writer excelled. She has a lot of different examples to convince the reader of her main point.
There is a paragraph that really does not fit in. The writer should either delete it or reword it.
You have very good idea. You should just make the writing more formal and just switch some of the grammar.