Vannah

United States

Y'know, I really hope I can pull off the cool mysterious deep writer persona. That'd be sick.

Message to Readers

Yikes this is emotional. I edited it.

Spilling the two Souls of a Daughter and Father

April 27, 2019

FREE WRITING

1
The constant love and adoration you receive is what makes it all feel worth it. 
But sometimes, even that sucks. 

The beginning...

I wanted to make you happy; 
But now I just feel angry.

I don't mean to be bitter, or hold a grudge,
But...
Everything thing I've done, I've done for you.
You never seem to notice...

Stories like this never have a good guy or a bad guy, just two souls that cannot align correctly.
Passing by one another time and time again. 
And it hurts more and more each time.
This kind of stabbing pain that hurts my heart and stings my eyes.

I tell myself that it's my fault and feel guilty,
I tell myself it's your fault and feel disheartened and bitter. 
Whose job is it to bridge the gap?
I asked myself for years. I blamed you.
Again and again and again.
But I think it was my fault too.

I gave up achieving for you. 
I gave up achieving for me.
A dead spot.
A dry year.

Here I am again, full of life,
yet still in a shell.

No longer hurting but still alone.
I want to make you proud.
I want to feel our souls align and have a movie moment. 

I idolized you as a kid.
I literally had a favorite parent. 
You.
Sorry mom.
But as the years dragged their feet along, 
I couldn't hold myself up quite as well as I used to. 
I needed you.
You told me you wanted to be more open than your father was, but I'm sorry. 
You missed the mark. 

Mom told me that you didn't know how to handle a daughter because you had so many boys.
I think she lied.
Perhaps I am overly clingy, or hungry for attention and pride.
I think it's a little bit of that.
But I want to hear it.
I want to hear it dad.
I want to hear to love in your voice,
when you say you love me.
I want to feel it in my heart. 

Maybe it's not your fault I don't.
Maybe It's mine. 
I told myself for too long that I couldn't be loved.
I hated myself so hard that the thought  of someone not doing the same felt fake. 
It's my fault. 

I love you. 
I want you to know I love you.
Close or not, I love you.
I love you so much I cry thinking about it.
I love you so much that I cry that we aren't best friends, because we really could be.
So I'm sorry we've had such a rough time, because I love you.
I'm sorry I didn't bridge the gap, I'm sorry I didn't know what to do.
I was a dumb kid, still am. 
I'm sorry I've broken your heart so many times.
I love you.
I love you I love you I love you. 
 

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  • April 27, 2019 - 2:23am (Now Viewing)

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2 Comments
  • Vannah

    Thank you so much! :-)


    over 1 year ago
  • stravelbach

    Whether intentional or not, there seems to be a gradual breakdown of emotional control throughout the piece. The more I read, the more pained it seems - your poem is beautiful and conversational and sincere..... so great job : )


    over 1 year ago