Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
Tumblr is kind of a subculture and can be hard to explain to those who aren't on it (believe me, my parents don't get it at all) so are there any parts that don't make sense or things that I reference that need more clarification?
I'm pretty passionate about this topic and my writing tends to be a little sarcastic, so please do tell if there are any parts where you're not sure if I'm being sarcastic or not, or come off as too critical of feminism (because while I am skeptical of modern radical feminism my goal here ultimately is to unite, not to isolate and exclude other feminists).
Any feedback in general is appreciated :)
You draw me in with a gripping scenario of a sixteen-year-old girl spreading hatred.
The argument is, "Radical feminists are inhibiting rather than promoting the true feminist cause."
You use all sorts of great examples to back up your essay. For example, your anecdotes, like the "free-bleeding movement" or "man-spreading craze," are clearly illustrated. You also make a strong point including real feminist issues that need to be fixed: female genital mutilation, domestic abuse, public breast-feeding, among others.
Nothing was missing! I don't understand Tumblr either, but I understood the essay completely nonetheless, so explaining Tumblr may not be necessary.
Yes, the structure works well. Your hook HOOKS. Your evidence of radical feminism is hilarious but also sad and thought-provoking. I like the varying lengths of your paragraphs, too. They organize the information effectively and concisely, while also maintaining interest and even helping your voice come across, like in your one-sentence paragraph, "They seem to have drowned inside their 'men are scum' cups." Lastly, your conclusion clearly summarizes the main points of your essay and includes a powerful call to action. Fantastic.
Frankly, I love your op-ed. Don't worry about your sarcastic voice: it's engaging, shrewd, and unique, but not so strong that it's confusing. It's the right length, the right depth, the right everything.
Good day, Phoebe.
Thank you for sharing with us your fabulous op-ed. I expect the occasional typos in the essay will be corrected during proofreading? I highlighted one area where I was confused, but otherwise, everything is fine.
I would like to thank you as well for reviewing my piece, "After We Do." I am so glad you like it; I hope that someday soon, we'll all be able to "join hand-in-hand" and make the world a more wholesome place, in matters of equality for women, and in all matters in the world that are now amiss.
Have a splendid day, Phoebe, and good luck in the competition!