Peer Review by A Breath Into Silence (United States)

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a pondering of equivalence

By: r|A|i|N


summer = a soggy mirror, a slippery sieve
and joy = golden sand, lush as fruit, rapidly slipping
decreasing, silver and sterile, undergoing air, fading to
tear-shaped particles on a rough and rocky shore.
here = fact:
they tell me every day every week every year every
lifetime.  but meaning spins a vicious cycle, soaring high
into happy oxygen when the sky = cold, keeling into
barren earth as the sun = fat and warm.
“it = beautiful day” sing the birds the trees the belligerent
humans, a beautiful day brimming with the meaning
of life.  they love the sunny straps acquired on
shoulders on arms on legs, the pretty pretty grass and the
blue blue sky.
all for me: i sit down with the sun and
cry hot tears gilded golden by summer as sand pitfalls
through a glassy snowflake sieve.

Message to Readers

lowercase, random equals signs, and line spacing are all intentional.
if you have any recommendations or if anything is unclear, please let me know. i’m eager to expand my writing skills and i love receiving reviews and comments.

Peer Review

I love the way you broke up the lines, the (slightly) unconventional use of lowercase/uppercase, and the equals signs! Your phrasing is spot on. I really love this piece.

I would love to know more about the relationship between the narrator/speaker and the "belligerent humans", since they seem to be separate entities. I get the sense that they don't quite see eye-to-eye..... And what does our speaker think about the meaning of life? [I feel like the poem is great the way it is; these are just inner musings after reading this piece]

Reviewer Comments

Wonderful poem! Please, please, please continue to write! Your figurative language is breathtaking, and the mastery you have over your line-breaks is fantastic. If anything, I'd like a little gentler transition from the line "blue blue sky" and "all for me".