Bisan Allan

United States

Message to Readers

Any kind of constructive criticism on Wording, structure, extra visuals. Please note: I am submitting this as a spoken piece so if you have any ideas on places to look up, pause, etc include that as well

Why Am I Still Running?

April 7, 2019

Body, I’m sorry I constantly criticize you and all your curves and shapes. I’m sorry that I constantly want you to change and do not take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of.
Body I’m sorry.
Mind, I’m sorry I push away the optimism and positivity you constantly are trying to feed me. I’m sorry I’ve been replacing them with negativity and unnecessary anxieties. I’m sorry I have not been giving you the things you crave to have, to touch, to learn, I instead give you the things that will only weaken you.
Mind, I’m sorry.
Spirit, I’m sorry I let all the small stressors in my life build a wall around you, trapping you, where you can reach no one-not even me. And I’m sorry I let you get broken by my insecurities that tied you up with chains. I’m sorry I don’t allow you to shine through and make me feel free as you once did so many years ago.
Spirit, I’m sorry.
Personality, I’m sorry, I have chained you down in front of my peers and replaced you with sarcasm towards people I am trying to impress. I’m sorry I didn’t allow myself to enjoy and embrace you as i have put on a mask in front of those I don’t know well.
Personality, I’m sorry.
Voice, I’m sorry I don’t allow you to be heard the way you deserve to be heard. As much as I have dreamt of letting you out to the world and change it for the better, the moment I stand up my knees shake and I sweat and mumble and make myself sound stupid to the point I have degraded something I have worked so hard on.
Voice I’m sorry.
Eyes, I’m sorry I don’t appreciate you enough, I’m sorry I disapprove of the copper against honey color, hard when with rage and soft with calm, eyes that shine against the stars and glow with creativity as it pops into my mind. The eyes that reveal a whole world of things that I have never experienced before. And those eyes that have been unfairly blinded to the beauty that comes in the most horrific experiences.
Eyes, I’m sorry
Finally, to myself, I am sorry, I‘m not letting you be the best you can be, I am hurting you and limiting your sky of possibilities and hopes and dreams that was supposed to be unlimited to you. I blind you, I limit you, I don’t appreciate you, I try to hide parts of you.
To myself, I am sorry that I am my own worst enemy.

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