SadBirds R BlueBirds

Australia

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A Mind That's Not My Own

April 7, 2019

"I hate you."
When the stars in the sky fell, these words consumed me.
When hope and joy filled my heart, these words dripped like acid and 
Hurt me.
Hurt me with knives and torches,
these words that strive to deprive me of joy.

See I grew up thinking,
"Nothing is ever good enough,
Because you can always do better."
People hold expectations like their an infestation with roots in their mind,
And when I cry, these tears will fall like the stars did.
When society and my family told me that i couldn't make it,
Couldn't take it, 
Couldn't do it,
I'm supposed to fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness,
Grovel with both hands in the air, 
Plead to be given a second,
a third,
a fifth chance.

"When will I be enough?"
"When will the fact that I am trying be enough for you?"
No,
You may as well take a needle and thread,
Sew my mouth shut and watch all the question marks pour out from the seams.
Can't you see how i'm hurting?
Can't you feel the scars you're leaving on the inside of my skin?
No.
It's all too easy to ignore my pain when you see your own reflection in my eyes.
Dull and glassy from the tears I've shed,
You can only see one way.

I guess my constant failures,
Are just more proof you're better than me.
Smarter than me.
Happier than me.
Congratulations mister ego,
you've won an award for being the most joyful,
Enthusiastic,
Vivacious version of me.

I guess i'll stay in the shadows while you do what you do best.
And when i step into the light,
I'll play the part you've made for me.

After all, a person's best personality is their own self-conscious,
Right?

 

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