Peer Review by Juliana (United States)

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Happiness

By: AlaynaK


Happiness.
We all strive for it.
But what is it?
A distraction from our worries,
Or a brand new way of life?
Is it confidence or pride,
Or smiling at your neighbor?

True happiness is rare.
In a world full of such hate.
It is still there,
Though fogs hide it from view.
Laughs and smiles still reside,
No matter what you’re going through.


Message to Readers

Please look this over. I was really inspired by a poem I read in ELA. This is not an exact replica of that. Any feedback would be lovely! Have a wonderful day!


Peer Review

It is realistic--it doesn't deny that life has pain--and yet it is hopeful.


Try expanding and getting more specific. For example, "smiling at your neighbor is a great line" because everyone can understand what that means without you having to explain it. Make sure you speak the poem allowed. If any words seem unnatural, find something to replace them that flows better. Also, think about the amount of syllables you have on each line, which will affect the rhythm.


Probably "Or smiling at your neighbor." This line is special and different from some of the others because it produces an experience for the reader. An unsuccessful way to right the line would be "is it to be kind to people?" because that line is vague and has little emotion.


I like where you're going with this, but I would suggest going farther.


Reviewer Comments

Firstly, have you thought about starting some of the lines grammatically correct by using lower-case letters (like when it's still part of the sentence)? If that was confusing, I'll add an example in a highlight. Second, you're poem establishes that happiness is always attainable, but I would recommend you also talk about HOW one achieves happiness. Personally, I think anyone can be happy in any situation because no matter what happens around us, we are always in control of ourselves. But that depends on if you are speaking of the emotion of happiness or more like peace, because we aren't fully in control of what emotions we feel, more what we do with them. Maybe you could add a line explaining the type of happiness you are talking about. Wow, that was longer than I had intended...sorry, haha! Good job!