Peer Review by Slugish (United States)

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What if...

By: inkyscribbles


What if you could erase?
Erase the ugly.
Erase the fear.
Erase the struggle.
What if you could try again?
Stop the pain. 
End the hunger. 
Save the innocent. 
What if you could change?
Change yourself.
Change your peers.
Change the world. 
What if you could make?
Make life simple. 
Make life easier.
Make life better. 
What if you did?
Would you be stronger?
Would you be just as sharp? 
Would you be more beautiful? 
Would you still be you?

Peer Review

I like the use of repetition, since repetition creates for a more impactful effect by emphasizing an idea. Visually the structure is quite nice. With four questions and each followed by three statements. But what is really nice about the structure is that it sets up an expectation for the reader, a pattern to follow but then the last 5 lines breaks the pattern and grabs the readers attention and invites them to investigate more. It is also interesting to me how you frame it so that it begins with the desirable and ends it in a questioning manner, suggesting that the reader should not want such things because there will be a loss in authenticity. Avoidance of struggle, desire to control others, attempts to erase pain in which people spend their everyday lives ignoring. It is these desires that make us who we are and are a part of what we call life.

I would love to see a part two to this poem that investigates into the why. Why would we want to erase, change and make.

Reviewer Comments

I would only want to change one thing and that would be line 11. Instead of "your peers" how about "them", it would be more ambiguous and more personal for the reader. "your peers" seems to me to have a connotation of classmates or co-workers. But "them" could be peers, but also loved ones, bullies, friends, family and any range of people in ours live that we deep inside wish to change just a little bit. Maybe have bullies be a bit kinder or our friends to love us a bit more.

Love the poem keep up the great work!