Message to Readers

excuse me while i go throw up.

tropey teenage love story

April 18, 2019


my name is lynne kymberly ryvers, and i'm special. 

i know my name is kinda weird. but it suits me because i'm weird, too. that's why nobody in this stupid school likes me. it's okay, though. i don't like them either. they're mindless sheep, all of them. they only follow trends, and haven't had a single original thought since they were born.  

but i am unique. i only listen to 18th century classical music, and i've never joined a single social media site. i despise starbucks, instead, i usually curl up with a cup of loose leaf tea, watered by the tears of underpaid child slaves and handpicked by virgins under the full moon.

i read a lot, too. but only the classics: jane austen, tolstoy, or the bronte sisters. there's a huge benefit to this: when i'm stuck in any social situation, i always really big words that nobody understands, so i can establish dominance.

but there is one guy in my school who is different. he's popular and hot and also kinda mean, but that's okay because he's a bad boy. when i get past his hardened exterior, i will find a sweet and kind guy who will use me as his personal therapist to get over his childhood trauma.

his name is aspyn, and i love him.

i don't think he loves me back. he likes elle, who's popular and pretty, with her blonde hair and blue eyes. i don't think she's good enough for him, though. her tops are low cut, and her skirts are really short, so obviously she's a rude, slutty bitch. 

it doesn't help that i'm kinda ugly, with brown hair and stupid green eyes and my pale alabaster skin. still, i really hope aspyn asks me to prom, even though i've only spoken to him twice, and haven't expressed any romantic interest during either of those encounters.

but all my hopes and dreams are shattered when elle asks him for a pencil during class, and he gives it to her. they're obviously in love. i go home, and cry myself to sleep.

the next day, i resolve to ignore him as much as possible. unfortunately, aspyn doesn't notice because i'd never talked to him often before either. woe is me.

the day of prom, i dress myself in a pretty floor-length gown, and i wear my hair loose and wavy. i remove my glasses, and can somehow see perfectly without them. as i walk into the hall, everyone's eyes are on me. how did we never notice her before, they ask themselves. she's so very beautiful.

when aspyn sees me, his jaw goes slack. he ignores elle, and comes straight to me. we talk for some time, and i'm awed at how smart he is, how unique he is. just like me. we were meant to be together. 

later, just before i leave, elle confronts me. "aspyn loves me, not you!" she screeches. my eyes begin to burn. she probably still has that pencil, i think bitterly. i rush to the parking lot in tears. but before, i reach my car, i feel strong hands enveloping my waist. it's aspyn.

"where are you going?" he asks. then, looking at me closely, "why are you crying?"

"oh my god, you're so stupid, why can't you see that i love you?"

conveniently, it starts to rain.

"you... you love me? truly?"

i nod, unable to say anything else.

"i love you, too."

"but what about elle?" i ask, not that i really care.

"oh, elle's hot but she's basic, but you, you're special. you always have been. i'm sorry i didn't see it earlier."

"it's alright."

he proceeds to compose an ode to the prettiness of my non-lipsticked smile, and my incomprehensible hipster quotes. 
i smile giddily at him. my hair is wet from the rain, but still frames my face beautifully. my cheeks are red from the cold. i lean in and kiss him. it's a perfect kiss, with no slobber or anything, even though i've never kissed anyone before. 

then my alcoholic mom informs me that she sold me to be a slave to one direction. 

                                                                         ~the end​~



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  • April 18, 2019 - 12:10pm (Now Viewing)

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  • fatpanda

    rereading this for at least the tenth time and it still makes me smile. 'handpicked by virgins under the full moon' is a genius line, and the whole thing is hilariously well done.

    4 months ago
  • Samina

    Creative and nicely put together. I can relate to it. Exactly like my feeling s to words.

    9 months ago
  • Lovegood_24

    I love this SO much! This is incredible! I couldn't get through it without laughing. Great job!

    about 1 year ago
  • bride124

    I love how cliche this story is (sans the last sentence)! Very unrealistic :)

    about 1 year ago
  • .Viv

    ahahaha this is my favoriteee!!!!! never gonna stop laughing

    about 1 year ago
  • interstella

    this is scarily accurate lol

    about 1 year ago
  • asteria

    haha i love this!!!!! you pretty much parodied every "i'm-a-nerdy-unpopular-/different/-girl" romance novel ever, and i'm completely in love with it. absolutely brilliant combination of comedy & good storytelling. bravo!

    about 1 year ago
  • ALangford

    lmaoooooooo i'm not gna stop laughing at this for a while boz

    about 1 year ago
  • Isla-Grace Davies

    This gave me some horrible flashbacks to 2014, especially the ending. But congratulations on your nightmare-inducing story!
    All jokes aside, you did a really good job encapsulating the feel of this kind of story, and really took me back to a much simpler, albeit ridiculous, phase of my life. Thank you!

    about 1 year ago
  • Legendary Grapes

    Very interesting, but very creative story! I love it!

    about 1 year ago
  • pencils.and.paper.roses

    This is amazing and absolutely hilarious (though I don't know if it's supposed to be?)! I freaking love it. Awesome piece.

    about 1 year ago
  • rainandsonder

    oh. my. god. this is AMAZING. especially the end and the part about not drinking starbucks.

    about 1 year ago
  • Kenny

    *sobbing* thank you

    about 1 year ago
  • loveletterstosappho

    this is hands down the best thing i have ever read. even better than my immortal!

    about 1 year ago