Cara went to university today and the little shits left me alone and i have no idea how to function ajahahhahahahimheartbrokem

A Certain Type of Decisive

United States

Just your unfriendly neighborhood disaster, bringing you bi-weekly updates from the bottom of my own shoe!

Message to Readers

The average person has more veins than the rest of us. The average person lives in sweden. They eat nothing but goat cheese and honey. Their name is Klaus and they need glasses but can't get them because the government doesn't believe they exist. Klaus was called the average person because he can summon an army of gnats by shouting how he feels on a certain day. The average person can't define the word "define," but uses it often, because it's one of the seven words they know how to pronounce.

Chillax

April 1, 2019

FREE WRITING

1
    A little bird once told me that if you mix Coca Cola and 5 Hour Energy in the bathroom of an IHOP at midnight, you will gain immortality. I have since learned not to trust birds. But it did give me enough energy to climb onto the roof and scream the pledge of allegiance until the firefighters came. That's why I found myself with six different versions of the essay I was trying to write for history on my computer this morning. I smashed them all together and hit submit, hoping my teacher wouldn't really read it before heading out.
    Sure, it was a beautiful morning in the park, golden sunshine illuminating the tops of buildings and mountains in the distance, but the screaming made it hard to concentrate. 
    "I need a healing potion!" someone shouted from the volleyball court. They had ram horns  peeking out of the yellow mess that could roughly be described as hair. They seemed to be carrying several swords and wearing armor and a cape.
    "Shut up!" I yelled back.
    As I neared the road, I nearly escaped the wrath of car. I fell back, glancing at the sky. It was a dark purple, with lightning and harsh wind. I told her to knock it off, but I don't think she heard me. Rolling back onto my feet I kept walking. 
    I tried to ignore the trees- each one had a new quest. 
    "Help me find the crystal!"
    "Save my family!"
    "The cruel king-"
    "I need your help!"
    "Oh really?" I asked. "Because last I checked, buddy, I need my help, too. Just 'cause you don't got legs doesn't mean you can't solve your own problems. I don't need a magical journey in my life right now. "
    The trees didn't bother me after that. 
    In the streets, some kind scaley thing fought with a man wielding a crossbow, he had pointy ear out of some bad cartoon, but they looked as real as the flowers growing through his thick dark coils of hair. His eyes burned like fire as he shot the dragon thing, silver blood exploding across the crosswalk and neat row of daisies in an old man's front yard. It splattered on my new Converse.
    "Hey buddy!" I shouted. I may be weaponless, but I'm no doormat. He turned to me, waving his weapon.
    "Can't you see I'm busy?" He gestured to the dragon, recovering from the hit. Its  mouth began to glow.
    "Yeah, well your 'busy' got over my new shoes, so unless you're going to pay for these-" He threw a clip of money at my face.
    "Get lost!"
    With silver stained shoes and a cut on my nose, safely across the street, I examined the clip. My prize was only $17.00, not nearly as much as my bright yellow kicks cost, but at least I could get to the grocery store mostly unscathed. With this I could probably treat myself  to some spider egg cheese or pizza later tonight. 
    As the finger-smudged doors opened a small sphinx appeared, baring its teeth. 
    "What walks on four legs in-"
    I kicked it aside and continued on my merry way. Well, tried before the sphinx reappeared in front of me, whiskers trembling with anger.
    "You are supposed to answer! Curse you!"
    "What're you gonna do, Deborah the Okay? Eat me? I just need some bagels, chillax. I'll bring you a free sample." 
    She paused, considering, before hissing contentedly. She was angrier than usual today, but a sphinx is just a weird cat; they'll do anything for food.
    "This pleases me. Un-cursed!" Her snake tongue flickered before she disapeared.
    I hope that means popcorn's  on sale.

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