Peer Review by Vannah (United States)

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What's Happened?

By: AudienceOfOne


FREE WRITING

what's happened 
to chivalry
to holding open doors
and helping old women carry their groceries
what's happened
to kindness
a smile that lights up a face
and a hand to help another up
what's happened 
to selflessness
to letting another go ahead
and giving up a seat on the bus
what's happened 
to the world we once knew
where people
were people
not zombies
staring into screens
tiny little glass rectangles
they say have all the answers
doors are slammed in people's faces
old women struggle on their own
no one smiles
unless they pass another level
there are no helping hands
only the gift of opposing thumbs
helping take out the bad guys
on the controller
everyone stands in line
oblivious to one another
not letting those most desperate to go ahead
and everyone is too busy
walking into streets 
and narrowly missing buses
to find their next Pokemon
to offer up their seat
what's happened to the world
to us
what have we become
everyone's too worried about global warming
and incoming asteroids
or world wars
to understand the real problem
the real problem is us
we're losing what it means to be human
what it means to have relationships
we're losing
chivalry
kindness
selflessness
i don't know what's happened 
to the world
i don't know how to fix it
and that scares me more
than any temperature rise
any asteroid
any war

what's
happened


 


Peer Review

I really liked the message and I think you're right on!


I think to help your poem be even stronger, would be to add punctuation, you know, commas, periods, questions marks, those would really help your questions and sentences have stronger definition, which leads to stronger impact. Also, to help your stanzas be stronger, I'd recommend adding spaces between each new beginning to give it definition and help your new lines be stronger. When it all runs together it loses some of its impact.


Reviewer Comments

I thought the poem was really good, but adding punctuation and spacing between the stanzas will really make it so much stronger and it will have a greater impact on the reader.