Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
I know it definitely needs improvements- so please, if you have any questions or comments send in a review!
Your hook begins with the phrase, "this isn't." This automatically makes me want to read on to find it what this IS. You also begin your essay with a comforting statement that makes me warm to you: you are someone who supports women and men alike. I do have a suggestion for your introduction, which I have included highlights.
Your position is clear: you feel that today's emphasis on virility is detrimental to both males and females.
The anecdotes you include illustrate your points well. I found this passage, in particular, interestingly presented and revealing: "Argument? Fist fight. Refuse to fight? Pussy. Asked to do something by an authority, with friends present? Make it into a joke. Like a girl? Try and force her into a relationship."
It would have been a strong point also if you could include that males are often expected not to show their emotions and affections. For example, people accept a woman crying much more easily than they accept a man doing so. They may also accept women friends holding hands more easily than men friends holding hands.
The hook was good. Each subtopic was clearly stated, and the supporting evidence and examples could flow really well with a little work. The conclusion could have been stronger, but I understand that this is a draft, so no worries. I have included a few suggestions in highlights, if you like.
I like that you chose a new take on feminism and gender roles. A lot of times in the past and present, it is the females who are considered and/or treated as inferiors, but you demonstrate how men also suffer from being called weak. Your essay is short enough to be easily digested but long enough to make a clear point. I think you're off on a good start for a gripping op-ed.
Good day, Kara.
If I sound too critical, I am sorry, but I am aware that this is an essay for a competition, so I try harder to alert you to possible areas of improvement.
Thank you for sharing your valuable insight on this understated problem. I hope you will be able to convince others as well to take a stand against bullying of males. Good luck in the competition, Kara.