Peer Review by clos (United States of America)()

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the wind took the leaf (and nobody noticed)

By: Christy Wisdom


FREE WRITING

as i walk down the
street
the rain falls softly
all around me

d
r
i
p
p
i
n
g
off the sides of 
buildings

running in rivulets
off my umbrella

soaking
that homeless
man
sleeping on the 
bench
with a newspaper
over his head

i can't feel the chill
i have a heavy coat
and the freezing rain
hasn't touched my 
face
and the biting wind
hasn't seeped through my
scarf

but he is shivering
trembling like a leaf
about to break free
of its branch

in an instant
it could give up
let go
suddenly absent. 

would anybody
notice?
a leaf among thousands
would anybody realize
that it's already
gone?

 


Message to Readers

had to fix a repetition


Peer Review

This piece offered a new perspective on human nature, it was breathtaking with all of the little details of the rain and those falling under it. Special emphasis is placed on words that enhance the imagery and atmosphere of the scene. I love how the leaf connects with the homeless man, it is such a real moment that you shed light on, really great work!


The story is filled with great imagery and themes expressed beautifully through rain and wind, that I suggest further enhancing the scene, when the character is walking down the street in the beginning, to focus on that aspect of rain or wind. As it could serve as great opening lines to sooth into the rest of the piece. I also suggest possibly having multiple crowds walking right next to the man, ignoring him and brushing him off. Maybe to give off more of an emotional tone. Either way, feel free to use these.


Reviewer Comments

I really enjoyed this piece, it was emotional and thought-provoking. Many elements were blended together to create such a visual experience that stuck and spoke with me. The piece flowed really well as well. The title itself really got me to think after reading this story,t this will continue to be a memorable experience to me, thanks!