I had always been told I was free. I could go to school, buy my food at local stores and I go go to public attractions sucjh as waterparks, State fairs, and Museums. throughout my life I would sometimes picture myself as a baby, so tiny and helpless. I lived in a different house, a different town, a different state. Sometimes I would think about it so long that the idea would consume me, almost repulse me. The feeling of helplessness would fill me and make me feel too small, too unimportant and I would shake and cry and think. It was one of the strangest feelings ever. Sometimes I could almost remember. But the fact that I had a whole, changing life behind me just kind of terrifyed me.
As I got older I was oblivious to the changes and problems of our world. I didn't know about war or death or morbid diseases. At least, not unytil eighth grade.
That was when my teachers spilled me the news. Slavery is still up and running, wars are killing thousands upon thousands. Death is common. I remember getting angry. Angry at my parents, at my teachers, at the world. Then I had that scary shaking feeling again, the feeling of strange smallness. I try not to think about it often.
last summer I was thinking about my life. How I was blessed with non-smoking and alchoholic parents, how I had pretty good health and enough money in my home to pay for food and shelter and health care. I had feedom and a welcoming community. I had access to love and hope and strength. I wondered, Why am I so lucky? Why did I recieve these blessings while inocent people on the other side of the earth were dying for things they didn't do? Being killed for skin color. Enslaved for something there ancestors or rulers did years ago.
I finally decided it was a Life Lottery.
The biggest Lottery system in the world. Where your ticket decides your Species, you race, your looks, your family, you home, your income or money, your state, your town, your health and your personality. Some are blessed with perfect lifes. Some get the best lottery ticket out there and then some get the worst. It's all chance. It's all luck. There will never be garentees.
I was stupid enough to try to explain this to my family. There didn't understand. My dad just said, "You're right, the world is strange."
I wanted to strangle someone. They didn't understand my feeling. These weren't just strange thoughts or funny dreams. This was a realistic feeling as easy to decipher as being angry or happy or sad. I could feel this. I wished it had a name.
Some might call it depression or sadness but it is much morebthan that. It is sadness mixed with a hint of awe and happiness. Perhaps a bit of confusion and hope.
I wish it had a name. I wish I could classify it and stick it on a report and show it to my class and be famous and be rich but the world doesn't work that way. If you want a good life, a free life, a happy life, it won't come easy. So just keep on buying those tickets.
And hope you win the Lottery.