Oh gosh, not this stupid starting again. Sure, this is a fairy tale, but do all fairy tales really have to begin that way? Like jeez, do something more original.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . . .
Oh sure, like that's any better. Go ahead and copy Star Wars for all I care.
Can you let me tell my story?
Okay, okay, go ahead and tell your sub-standard story. I wasn't interested in it anyway.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there stood a lonely tower in the middle of nowhere.
Oh my gosh, a Rapunzel story. Damsel in distress, the white knight comes to the rescue, it is just so cliche...
Did I stutter? Your story is going to be a cliche damsel in distress story. And it's not going to be well-received in the age of the empowerment of women.
Well, if you think you can craft a better story than I can, then be my guest.
Very well. I humbly accept your challenge.You know what, let's make things harder. I'm going to tell a damsel in distress story that isn't cliche.
Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there lived a King. Coincidentally, he was also a drunkard. On one fair day, he challenged the Queen to a duel in drinking. Naturally, his constant abuse of alcohol seemed to translate into an effortless win.
However, he was very much mistaken - the Queen beat him in the consumption of alcohol. In a fit of rage, he kidnapped his own baby daughter, and-
Kidnap your own daughter? Is that even possible? You amuse me.
Shut up, this is my story.
And we are conveniently going to ignore how you interrupted me just now?
Yes, deal with it.
Anyway, back to the story. He kidnapped his own baby daughter and locked her in a tower in the middle of nowhere. How he managed to scale a thousand foot tall stone tower while carrying a human being is completely beyond my imagination. But since this is a fairy tale, we'll just roll with it. Fairy tales don't always make sense anyway.
And I presume we are also going to conveniently ignore the fact that there is a thousand foot stone tower sitting in the middle of nowhere so that the King conveniently has a place to hide his baby daughter?
Yes. Deal with it.
Fifteen years have passed since the princess was left inside the empty stone tower. By this time, she had become a teenager. She sat alone in the tower, struggling to deal with her pimples and long, messy hair.
She went fifteen years without eating or drinking, and you dare tell me she is still alive?
It's a fairy tale. Shut up.
And it's MY fairy tale anyway. Stop interrupting.
Back to the story. The princess sat at the window day in and day out, hoping to catch a glimpse of her knight in shining armor to come to her rescue. However, she was left disappointed each day. At least, there was a rather magnificent view from the tower. Some kind of consolation, I guess.
Wow. Just, wow. Unbelievable.
Fortunately, at the peak of her despair, a knight in shining armor entered the vicinity of the tower. He called out, "My fair princess, I have come to save you, as all stereotypical fairy tale knights are supposed to! Jump, your majesty, and I shall catch you!" Elated, the princess jumped to her feet and flung herself out of the window.
Just like that?
Just like that. However, it never did quite occur to her how ridiculous the scenario was. Here she was falling from a thousand feet above the ground, her body plummeting at supersonic speed to the ground. Obviously, any science-enthusiast would understand that the impact of catching her falling body would be so great that it would likely kill both the prince AND the princess. Nobody in the right state of mind would be there to catch her. But who's to blame her? She has spent most of her life trapped in a tower. Obviously, she would not have been exposed to any scientific knowledge that would have stopped her from jumping. She obviously wouldn't have grasped the concept of dying on impact.
And yet, she was able to comprehend the basic mechanics of English in order to understand what the knight was saying?
Yes. This is a fairy tale. Remember that. Now shut up.
As she fell towards the ground, she noticed that there was a particular lack of a knight waiting to catch her. What a surprise! Who would have guessed? Surprised, she lifted her head and looked toward the horizon. She caught sight of another tower, but this one was much shorter in comparison. As her gaze slowly shifted toward the foot of the second tower, she realised - the knight was standing there, arms flung wide open, waiting to catch the princess that was locked in that tower.
"Oh my gosh! I have made a grave mistake! The shouts I heard just now weren't directed at me. I only heard the echoes..." the princess thought.
Because somehow, she understood the concept of echoes without any exposure to science.
Good, you're catching on.
Because fairy tale?
Because fairy tale.
Eventually, she hit the ground. Obviously, she died instantly from the impact. The end.
So, you mean to tell me that fifteen years without access to food and water did not kill her, but a thousand foot fall did?