Peer Review by AminahMcBina (United States)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?


Flynn Rewrites A DSAF 3 Scene Because He Needs To Practice Scene Writing (4/?)

By: Doktor Habit


FREE WRITING

fandom content: dayshift at freddy's (3, specifically)
spoilers?: damn there sure are
tw: swearing, death mentioned/implied, car crash mentioned, CIRCUS TIME, flynn stuffs all of dave's backstory into one piece, man oh man do i hate henry
there's a bit of part 3 here too, but it's for recap, so we're not just diving in headfirst
p1 - p2 - p3
~~~~~~~~~

    "I..I was neva okay with what Henry did, I swear!" Dave's voice was at almost a squeak now, eyes darting about the room frantically. "I--I tried to talk 'em out of it..!!" 
    "I'm no different than any of the other children that you murdered of your own volition, William," Dee growled. "You're evil, no two ways about it. And now, you've corrupted my own flesh and blood!"
    Dave's expression turned from terrified to baffled.
    "W..what? H..how d'ya.." Dave looked to Jack, fear starting to return to his face. "J-Jack..? How did ya know what this..this THING'S name was..?"
    Jack took a minute to speak, still catching his breath.
    "Dave.." He sighed heavily. "She was my sister."
    -----------------------------
                                                                                        
    A heavy silence fell upon the room. Dave's eyes widened, mouth open a little in shock. He glanced between the two, going pale. His mouth moved, but words refused to fall out. 
    "O..oh.." When he could speak, his voice sounded hoarse and weak. "Oh, no... I..I had no...I had no i--"
    "Oh, so NOW you feel remorse?!" Dee refused to back down. "Now that you know who I am?!"
    "W-wait, I--Jack--" 
    "I was only one of the many casualties! The other kids all had families, too!"
    "B-but--Henry told me--"
    "YOU snuffed out SO MANY CHILDHOODS, Dave!" She jabbed a finger against Dave's chest, causing him to flinch backward. "SURELY you knew what you were doing! What you were TAKING AWAY from your victims!" 
    Dave suddenly sat up again, now actually bumping heads with the other almost cartoonishly, snarling.
    "I was doin' you a FAVOUR!"
    "A FAVOUR?!" Dee jolted forward, effectively toppling Dave backward, her eyes narrowing. "You took away every future birthday I could've had!" The marionette finally backed away, hugging herself, casting a woeful look towards the floor.
    "Every Christmas morning, every walk in the park with my family..I never got to grow up, or get married, or have any children of my own!" She looked back up, tears threatening to fall from her hollowed eyes. "My future DIED because of you! Don't you remember your own childhood..?!"
    Dave sat up again, crossing his arms and looking aside at a nearby wall. His expression seemed to..drain. Jack gently squeezed his hand, and Dave clutched his back. It helped the two feel braver--stronger. The purple fellow heaved a sigh before looking towards Dee again.
    "I do remember my childhood. If you could even call it that."
    Dee scoffed. "Oh, I get it! How PITIABLE! The villain has a sad and tragic past, so I, a VICTIM OF HIS SHITTY ACTIONS, now has to feel BAD for him! Well, that's not going to work on me, William! You aren't the only person here with a far-from-ideal childhood. I, Jack, and our brother Peter were orphaned."
    "I'm--sorry t'hear that..I.." Dave looked over to Jack. "I..I take it Jack is Sportsy's..real name, then?"
    "Yup. I didn't lie about my name on the papers this time!" Jack chuckled lightly, trying to bring up the mood of the situation. Dave cracked a warm smile towards him. Dee huffed, continuing.
    "Our parents died in a car crash, I'll have you know. Jack and Peter worked full-time to support me."
    Dave shifted where he was slightly, grinning like an idiot.
    "Hey, don' worry, sis!"
    "Don't EVER call me that," Dee replied in disgust.
    Dave continued. "I know how y'feel! I neva had any parents either!"
    The marionette's expression softened slightly, but only out of curiosity. She hovered a little closer to the two, lowering herself to meet their faces properly again, in a sitting position, but still above-ground.
    "Wait. You..must've had SOMEONE, if you survived to adulthood..right?"
    Dave once again shifted positions, now kicking back against a wall, adopting an expression that merely screamed 'storytime!' Jack huffed and got as comfortable as he could on a cold, dirty floor.
    "Well," Dave began, staring at the ceiling, "from a young age, I got cast outta an orphanage. It turns out nobody wants t'adopt an aubergine kid. New York City in the 1950's?" He sat up a bit, his grin seeming a little forced. "Good LUCK if y'didn't have a place t'go! You'd be lucky t'get your greedy lil' hands on a NICKEL those days!" Despite his injuries, Dave pushed himself to his feet, beginning to pace as he spoke. 
    "People find goodwill n' charity tedious when they've been fed up to their asses in 'needy children' talk. So, I learned how to play the trombone! Performed for bread, drank rain water...Slept in alleys, wherever it wasn't wet!" He turned back to the two, expression..unusually serious, for someone like Dave.
    "I survived, didn't I?"
    "I don't understand.." Dee leaned forward a little. "You lived through such hardship, and yet--" she trailed off for a moment-- "..Where did you go? What happened next?"
    Dave thought for a moment, drumming a finger on his chin.
    "Well...I ran away from home! Started just..runnin' about, travellin' an' such! Drank rainwater in Utica...Steamed hams in Albany..but, then--" Once again, he turned to face the two fully; this time, he seemed to have stars in his eyes-- "near the border, I saw somethin' different. Somethin' WONDROUS..."
    "What was it?" Dee cocked her head to the side.
    Dave clasped his hands together excitedly, staring at the sky that wasn't there, smiling like a child in awe, beginning to get lost in memory.
    "Dr. Miller's Fantastical Circus! Where fantasy is made real, and life has MEANING!"
---
    He saw it all again--the great lights and the colors before him, the tent reaching up and scraping along the clouds, the spotlights grazing against the night--it was beautiful, just as beautiful as when he'd first seen it. He was there again; his rags called clothing barely shielding against the wind's chill, his breath showing in small clouds in front of him. The rest of his past was a blur; his memories of the circus were unforgettable. 
    "A local traveling circus, stoppin' by on its way to Vegas!"
    
Dave--or, William, at the time-- remembered being able to slip in, ducking down within a small crowd that seemed to be entering last-minute. He was still surprised he didn't get caught or called out on the way in, but before he knew it, he was seated before the currently-fairly-empty center of the circus, close to the front row. Yes, the vendors and the clowns were there, but overall, it hadn't seemed like the show had started just yet. He certainly appreciated the slight warmth of the area, and his curiosity of what the show would hold for him.
    "I snuck in, not havin' a ticket, and by God..Quite the place, lemme tell ya! Hot dogs, clowns, lions, EXCITEMENT! And, in the center of it all.."
    
A figure moved near the center, and William immediately scanned over it--he could hardly see it due to it mostly being in the shadows, but--
    A spotlight flashed on.
    "..stood the Ringmaster; A stout fella with pink complexion, in a pinstripe outfit, with his signature hat n' bowtie. He was Dr. Henry Miller. I was standin' in HIS circus!" 
    
A cheer rose in the crowd. The ringmaster bowed briefly, a pleasant smile on his face, allowing things to quiet down a little before he decided to speak. William was already sitting on the edge of his seat, eyes full of wonder, mouth slightly agape. The ringmaster cleared his throat, sitting up straight again, throwing his arms out to begin the introduction to the most excellent show unearthed.
    "Good evening, each and every one of you! Thank you very much for attending my show tonight!" Henry's eyes scanned the crowd; his expression still holding a charismatic grin. "It's always great to have you."
    
Out of nowhere, the ringmaster held a cane, prompting a tiny gasp and a 'how'd he do that??' from William. A few surprised reactions echoed through the crowd.
    "Now, to all who've attended, and to all who've not-- As usual here, we present before you all EARTH-SHATTERING illusions! We guarantee to prove to everyone sitting in the crowd that the impossible can ALWAYS be made possible, or your money back!" 
    "Granted, I'd snuck in," Dave chuckled, "but I was intrigued by that claim nonetheless! And, boy.."
    
"Now..." The ringmaster's grin widened, and he pointed a cane towards the sky--a blast of light shot from it like a firework, exploding into thousands of color, illuminating the whole circus. An uproar came from the crowd. William found himself grinning uncontrollably. "LET THE SHOW BEGIN!"
    
"..Did he make the impossible possible! Cannons fired on instinct as if they were sentient! Trapeze artists LEVITATED from bar to bar! Every damn act shattered at least one thing I thought about reality! The circus itself traveled west, then south, hitting several stops in the midwest. So, I followed it around! Got a great view of the whole show, most nights!" As Dave spoke, he looked as if he'd never been happier than he was then. "And EVERY SINGLE SHOW was INCREDIBLE! Henry even had a clown persona that he'd don occasionally." He giggled quietly. "Got on really well with the kids. I'm tellin' ya, that guy knew how to ACT!"
    Dee stumbled on her own words, running a hand over her head as if running a hand through the hair she didn't have.
    "My God, wh...Henry had a circus..?? H-he was..Dave, what happened to the circus?"
    Dave's grin faded, and he stuffed his hands in his pockets.
    "Well..it never quite reached Vegas. People tended to wind up missing in towns the circus came to. Bad luck, I guess." A pang of sadness echoed in Jack's chest for Dave. The purple fellow continued. "The police called it all off and arrested the lion-tamer, since the disappearances were investigated as murders. I heard that guy got put to death." Dave huffed and kicked at the dirt. 
    "Serves 'em right for ruining Henry's circus. Filthy drunk."
    Dee coughed. "Dave, don't take this the wrong way, but...I doubt the lion tamer was the culprit..."
    Dave's head shot up.
    "Oh, trust me! Henry testified in court! Saw 'em do it! Henry was a good man, and a big dreamer! Even after it all got shut down, he never let go of his dream of bringing fantasy to life! He decided to put his doctorate in robotics to use and opened up his own restaurant; Fredbear's Family Diner. All he needed was a hand to help out for performing onstage, manage shit, and invest a bit of money into his dream! Now--I was a young man at this point, and I'd saved up a bit of money; and I just KNEW Henry's dream would change my life forever!"
    
William had lost count of what day it was at that point--all he knew that he was soon to be standing outside of the one and only Henry Miller's diner. Right when he turned the corner, however, he was met with the sight of the man himself just unlocking the door. His heart jumped in his chest--holy SHIT. William's idol, the person who INSPIRED him--he was RIGHT THERE! He gathered up his courage.
    "Dr. Miller! Sir!"
    Henry paused where he was. William rushed over to him, keeling over a bit as he caught his breath. The former ringmaster raised an eyebrow.
    "Can I..help you?" Holy shit, Henry spoke to 'em. William stood up fully, and quickly noticed Henry now looking him dead in the face, expression unusually blank. It was pretty..uncanny, keeping in mind the joyful, charismatic ringmaster he'd seen at the circus so many times. He also noticed he was taller than him by quite a few inches, and Henry was only barely above his shoulder in height. William's eyes lit up on sight of his idol just a little bit in front of him. 
    "W-wow! Hello there, sir! Myname'sWilliamandI--"
    "Now hold on--"
    
"I'veseenallyourcircusshowsanditsbeenaHUGEinspirationtome--"
    "Could you please--"
    
"AndI'veALWAYSdreamedabouthelpin'youou--"
    "SLOW DOWN, please!" 
    William coughed, taking a deep breath before speaking again.
    "E-evenin', Dr. Miller! Name's William Afton, sir! I-I've seen all yer old shows, and--WOW! Y-you've been an inspiration to me ever since!" He continued on to describe him sneaking in, how brilliant the shows were, etc.. Henry didn't at all look amused or interested.
    "Come on, boy. Get to the point."
    
WIlliam went quiet for a little bit, looking down towards the ground, hands fidgeting.
    "U-uh. Right, sorry, sir." He shoved his hand in a pocket, quickly digging out what money he had--five dollars and a single quarter--and stuffed it into one of Henry's hands. The other man looked up towards William with a studying expression, pocketing the money.
    "I-I just want ya to know..I'd be more than happy t'help y'out with this new place..!! It'd be--it'd be a dream come true, actually! I could be an assistant of some sorts, y'know..? H-heh!!"
    Once again, Henry studied him for quite a long time, expression blanked. He turned his head, and opened the door for the other.
    "...Step inside, then. I'm sure I'll find..SOMETHING for you to do."
    
William quickly shook his idol's hand, not minding it not being returned, grinning childishly.
    "Thank y' so much, sir! Ya won't regret it, sir!" 
    With that, he rushed inside. Henry sighed lightly, mumbling a 'I sure hope not.' before entering right behind the other.
---
    "He CARED about me, Dee. He gave me my own character, let me help out with writin' jokes for his shows..." Dave gazed down at the checkered floor with a solemn expression. If one were to look closely, they'd see that he was tearing up.
    "He gave me meanin'. He was the first person who eva taught me how t'dream." 
    Shockingly, Dee's tone..softened. She almost sounded sympathetic.
    "Dave..."
    Once again, Dave's head shot up. He wiped his eyes with an arm, quickly planting a smile back onto his face.
    "B-but..But it's okay! Yeah, sure, Henry did bad things, but he meant well! He WANTED t'be a good person! Me n Sportsy wanna right his wrongs n fix EVERYTHING! We can still have a happy ending!"
    Dee stood up again, helping Jack up.
    "Jack," she began, expression interrogative, "is that..really true?"
    "Yes, Dee." Jack smiled. "Aside from all the blatant Henry praise, I mean." Jack limped his way over to Dave, smiling warmly and placing a hand on the other's shoulder. "Dave means well. This isn't the same one we knew in reality."
    He turned back to face Dee, still next to Dave, leaning on him a bit for support.
    "The Flipside's a dangerous place, sis," Jack continued. "Dave knows this place pretty well, and he's able to hold his own in a fight. He's..useful."
    "Yup! 'ats me, Old Sports! Useful-Dave!" Dave chuckled heartily, proceeding to break into a coughing fit. Dee still looked skeptical.
    "Jack..do you..REALLY want to help free everybody here?"
    ..Jack cast his gaze to the floor. He remembered, back in the old abandoned location with Dave--REALITY Dave--Davetrap. He swallowed hard. He..remembered the deal he'd made with his former friend. After deep consideration, Jack looked up, stone determination visible on his face. He wouldn't let that rotten THING pull him astray again.
    "Yes, Dee." He nodded firmly, a smile creeping onto his face.
    "I do."


Message to Readers

dave's mind is really screwed up and it makes me sad asmr
---
"all the world will be your enemy, prince of a thousand enemies. and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. but first, they must catch you. digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning-- be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed." - richard adams, watership down


Peer Review

Dave's childhood story, definitely got to me!


No preguntas ;)


Reviewer Comments

Your writing is so engaging, and I love all of your characters!