67bd8438 50bc 43b0 b52e 9ad10b902206

Julius Caesar

United States

"Death is only the end if you assume the story is about you."
-Welcome to Night Vale

Message to Readers

Enjoy!!!!! I had so much fun writing this! Also ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY GLOW-CLOUD. ALL HAIL. (read the author's note lmao)
~Julius Caesar

A Valentine's Day Message

February 14, 2019

FREE WRITING

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And now a message from our sponsors.

It's Valentine's Day dear listeners. You know what that means. Time to rip out your bloody, still beating heart and offer it to the one you love most. Do you see the pulsing? Are you starting to feel faint? Are you feeling a loss of all emotion? Quickly, give it away, before you become tempted to put it back into your chest. You know the consequence of that. You don't want the Sheriff's Secret Police at your door do you now, dear listeners?

Now, I want you to make sure it's in the hands of the one you love. Watch eagerly as they take it from you- if they don't take it, force it into their hands. Make sure that they offer their heart back. As soon as they do, snatch it as fast as you can from their hands and shove it back into your chest. Is that better? Do you feel relief? Do you feel the warmth spreading throughout your body? If you don't, the Vague Yet Menacing Government Agency will be at your door shortly. If you do, I congratulate you. You have forcefully achieved true love. 

---This message has been brought to you by Cheerios~~wheat and wheat by-product free cereal that continues to provide you the heart health that you so desperately need---

On a side note, listeners, I attempted to offer Carlos my heart this morning and he just looked at me and started giving me this science-y speech with that rich voice of his... *sighs lovingly* "What are you doing Cecil?", he said. "You need your heart to live, Cecil! You realize the consequences of not having a heart right?"... Et cetra, et cetra. He used some words like artery, aorta, blood vessels, circulatory systems.... I don't remember them all. But what I do remember, is that he took my heart, shoved it back into my chest. I tried tell him  that the Sheriff's Secret Police would come, but before I could finish he "rudely" cut me off by--- oh no. Station management is getting angry. *vague screaming and howling in the background* Or maybe they're with City Council... I don't know, it's hard to tell. Either way, I better get reporting, shouldn't I? *awkward chuckle*

Our Valentine's report concludes here as I bring you now to- the weather.
Author's Note:
Don't kill me but, Valentine's day is my least favourite holiday. 
Maybe it's because I will forever be single... but I don't see
a problem with that. Anyhoo, everyone is entitled to their own
opinion so you can't yell at me for not liking Valentine's Day.That's
your opinion. Don't force it upon me. At least I tried to make
it nicer for myself by writing a WTNV version ok? Ok?? Can you hear
me? Why are you passing out? Don't fall. It's not my fault you didn't
get a heart back. Just hold on, The Vague Yet Menacing Government
Agency is on it's way. In the mean time, I'm heading over to Big Rico's
Pizza... Enjoy!
~Julius Caesar
 

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4 Comments
  • Johanna

    How about Tony Stark? Is The Vague Yet Menacing Government Agency going to take action??? (this was great, by the way haha)


    6 months ago
  • acrosstheskysky

    I LOVE THIS LMAO this is EXACTLY how we should all celebrate valentine's day!!


    6 months ago
  • f l o r a

    THIS. THIS. IS SOOO YES.
    -toodles, Liza


    6 months ago
  • pencils.and.paper.roses

    I believe this is my favorite commercial I've ever seen *dies laughing* Awesome job!


    6 months ago