Peer Review by nevaredhp (United States)

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Chapter Four: The Game

By: pencils.and.paper.roses


Read the first three chapters here:

Chapter One: The Game 

Chapter Two: The Game 

Chapter Three: The Game


Mrs. Jessen hugged Cassidy over the back of her seat and patted Lynn’s shoulder before the girls got out of the car and she drove away, leaving them there with a wave. They then turned to the man, who pointed to a woman standing a few feet away. “Ms. Lee will be your guide today, girls. She’ll show you around the facility and make sure you can get settled in all right.”

The woman came over to them with a big smile. “Hey, guys! I know he said to call me Ms. Lee, but please call me Cara. I’ve been working here for the last three Games, so I think I’ll be a good guide for you.”

They entered the building and were greeted by an enormous lobby with 30 foot-high ceilings, as Cara informed them. They saw the dormitory areas, where they were told that they’d be roommates and left their stuff for the rest of the tour. They passed a few of the training rooms, which looked amazing. Lynn couldn’t wait to begin training.

A loud ringing sound pierced the air and one point, and Cara laughed when the girls were visibly shaken. “That’s just the meal bell. It rings for every meal, and you can’t miss it. Also, you can’t get into the dining hall after the bell’s rung, so we should probably start heading that way.”

As they went on their way, Cara proceeded to tell them that the bell rang from the door of the dining hall so that new
participants could just follow the sound of the bell and hopefully they wouldn’t get lost on the way there if they didn’t have a guide like Lynn and Cassidy did. When they finally reached it, they were nearly overwhelmed by the delicious smell of food.

“Ohhhh…” Cassidy sighed loudly, leaning back to take in the smell. Lynn cracked up as she watched her friend and they went to get in line for food. But as it turned out, the food system there was not the same as at school. Here, there were premade plates with several different meal options, and you could simply go to the counter and take one.

They chose BLTs and vanilla pudding and went to find seats.

“Hey, is that Joely?” Cassidy said, motioning to a girl that looked like a friend of theirs.

“Dunno,” Lynn replied. “Should we go find out?”

Cassidy shrugged and they began to make their way over. Partway there, Lynn realized that it wasn’t their friend as Cassidy had thought. “Cassidy, no, it’s not—“

But Cassidy reached the girl before Lynn finished. “Joely! Cassidy shouted, setting her tray down.

The girl dropped her fork and looked up, startled. Simultaneously, Cassidy jumped back, putting her hands over her mouth. ‘Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! I thought you were someone else!”

The girl smiled shyly, though shocked, and waved them off. “You’re fine. For some reason, I get that a lot.” She laughed awkwardly, and so did Lynn and Cassidy. Then she looked around. “Did you, uh, want to sit here?”

“Sure!” Cassidy said, plopping down next to her. Lynn was a bit more hesitant, but sat down across from her. “You sure? I don’t want to intrude or anything.”

“You’re totally okay!” the girl assured her. “I’m Albany.”

“Lynn Thomas,” Lynn replied, giving a small wave. “And this is Cassidy.”

Cassidy waved excitedly, and Albany waved back.

“So what’s the story behind your name?” Cassidy asked. “Is it like the Duke of Albany from King Lear?”

Albany frowned. “I don’t think so. My mom grew up in Albany, New York, and she loved it. So when I was born she named me Albany, because she loved me as much as she loved her childhood home.”

Lynn smiled while hearing the story; It was a bit cheesy, but likeable.

Over their dinner, they got to know each other. Lynn discovered that Albany had visited 20 different states, and Albany learned that Lynn had Juno. “You’re so lucky to have a dog,” she told Lynn longingly. “We’ve never been able to afford it.”

Cassidy was quick to comfort her, telling her that she’d never even had a goldfish, no matter how much she begged, and

Albany laughed.

The conversation came around to playing the Game, and Albany explained what she’d discovered so far. Apparently there were several different choices, and you were able to pick up to 3 of them. “The ones I would’ve picked are Obstacles of Speed or Catch.”

“Catch?” Lynn asked incredulously.

“I think it’s a lot more complicated than it sounds,” Albany said. “But hey, all the better if it’s easy!”

They laughed, and then the bell rang, signaling the end of the meal. “You want to come to our dorm and talk?” Lynn asked Albany.


Message to Readers

ANY AND ALL FEEDBACK IS WELCOME! This is my second draft and all editing ideas are immensely helpful. Anyway, enjoy!! :P :P

Peer Review

I enjoy seeing new characters added into the story! It's also nice to see more details about the Game unfolding.

Will Joely be mentioned again, or was that just a way for the girls to meet Albany? Are Albany and Cara trustworthy? I also wonder if the girls are allowed to have any contact with their families while they're there.

Reviewer Comments

I'm excited to see where you continue to take this!