justmar

United States of America

Teenage literary critic and book translator. Poetry enthusiast, chocolate lover, and British TV addict. Nothing special, but everything extraordinary :) this is mostly free verse poetry, but I also write lyrics, prose, stories, and book reviews

Message to Readers

does this feel real to you?

letter to my ex-best friend

February 7, 2019

FREE WRITING

5
Dear best friend, 
I miss you. I miss how light and happy you could always make me feel and how many laughs and memories and inside jokes we’ve shared. I miss how we didn’t have to snap 24/7 or hang out all the time to be best friends and love each other. I loved eating ice cream with you and watching you fall when we went hiking and playing tennis with you and freezing my ass off. I loved going back to Mcdonalds three times for your mustard and how honest you always were with me. I love you so much because we could talk about anything and you always made me feel important in a way that no one before you had. I miss how you would always send me a sweet text or snap whenever I was sad, as if you somehow knew I needed it. I miss our car karaoke sessions and all the shit we talked. I miss seeing your Friday rants because you already know I watched every single one of them. Maybe this Friday there’ll be on about me. I don’t know. I hope not. I miss you cammy. I miss you so much. 
I know you’ve made it extremely clear that you don’t want me to contact you and that you want nothing to do with me. You say it’s because I’m talking to a man whore and I’m refusing to listen to my friends but I don’t think that’s it. I could you that I was talking to him like two months ago, and you weren’t a fan, but you didn’t cut ties with me. You told me, straight-up, that you don’t like him and you didn’t like me talking to him. I was, and still am, extremely grateful for your honesty. I can genuinely say that your opinion means the world to me so hearing that you didn’t like the boy I was falling in love with… completely shattered my heart, I’m not going to lie. But I got past it because I assumed that once you actually got to know him, and saw him the way I see him, you would realize that he isn’t who you think he is. 
But I was wrong. The more serious things got the more you disliked him and fostered dissapointment in me. Until you were actually forced to interact with me in an environment than he was also in, at the basketball game last week. I was once again sad that you didn’t like him but it’s not like the two of you have to spend any time together. I’ve never ditched plans with you for a boy, but I have cancelled plans with chase because I felt like you needed me more. Because you are extremely important to me and I love you the most. 
I knew things would be kind of strained for a while but I wasn’t prepared for the fact that you would make the choice to effectively cut me out of your life completely. 
On Monday night I was actually shattered. I left the side we were sitting on because I didn’t want us to ruin anyone else’s time, and the left the game shortly after. I went home and cried. Then I took a shower and cried some more. I picked up my phone and cried to someone else. I started to doubt literally everything I thought I knew. After the conversation we had that night I didn’t know what to do anymore. I asked my other friends, as vaguely as I could, to try and figure out what they thought of chase and I wasn’t reassured until literally everyone said that he seemed like a genuinely nice guy and I seemed really happy with him. I asked my parents who told me again that he was a nice boy who was good to me, and good for me. I checked my journal. And somehow, everything checked out but I couldn’t squelch that doubt that lingered until I talked to him again and he apologized. For what? For me being sad because of him. I’m not going to relay the whole conversation to you, but I hated myself for ever doubting this boy and his dedication to me. 
I don’t know what I did wrong. I really don’t. I don’t know if this scenario reminds you of yourself, or someone else, and you’re trying to save me from heartbreak but the amount of happiness that I have right now can’t be fake. So when it’s over, I’m only going to be grateful for it. 
I’m not ever going to send you this letter, of course, but this isn’t exactly what it was supposed to be about at all. I was going to write about how much I miss you and how important you are and how many good times we’ve had together but somehow it turned into more of a recount of everything that went wrong. I don’t know, maybe that’s what I needed. I just want you to know that I’m not trying to justify myself, or him, I’m just trying to understand, for both of us, what happened. And it sucks because you hurt me so much but all I ca think about is how I miss you. Because I never ever wanted this to happen to us. Not us. Not us. 
With all the love in the world, 
Your best friend forever, 
Even though you might not think so, 
I love you so much, 
best friend

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  • February 7, 2019 - 5:46pm (Now Viewing)

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