Peer Review by nevaredhp (United States)

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Chapter Two: The Game

By: pencils.and.paper.roses


Read chapter one here: Chapter One: The Game


Lynn quietly slipped out the door before it was light out the next morning, tiptoeing so as not to wake her mother. She crept off the front walk silently and jogged down the streetlamp-lit road.

     She was headed to the Point of Entry, a building temporarily erected for 2 months before the Game began every 3 years.
It was where all potential entrants went to fill out their entry applications and become a contestant. Lynn wasn’t usually the type of person to go against a parent’s wishes, but it was the last year that she could enter before she was too old and she was determined to do it. Plus, why was her mom so set against it happening? It wasn’t like it was dangerous or anything.

     By then she had reached the Point. There was no line when she walked in, and she was able to go right to the front desk.

“Excuse me?” she asked quietly.

     The clerk at the front desk looked up at her condescendingly. “You here to enter the Game?”

Well, duh, Lynn thought, internally rolling her eyes. She nodded and was handed a form, then sat down in a puffy beige chair to fill it out.

     It was a long application, with questions about age, nationality, and family. By the time she finished, the sky was turning a pale rose gold and the world was waking up. But as she turned her form in to the clerk, she was handed another piece of paper. Oh, jeez, she couldn’t help but think. Luckily, this one only had a few lines of print on it.

     Glancing over it, Lynn noticed a space for parental consent at the end and panicked. She’d left to enter without her mother’s permission, and now she was beginning to regret it. After debating with herself for a full 2 minutes, she slowly checked the box marked “yes” and handed the paper to the clerk.

     Simultaneously thrilled and worried, Lynn left the building and headed back the way she came. But about halfway there, she saw a figure ahead of her that looked an awful lot like her mother. “Lynn!” it was calling.

     Lynn freaked out a little bit and began to run the other direction frantically. But her mother was a fast runner, and she caught up to her easily, grabbing the hood of Lynn’s jacket and stopping her in her tracks.

     “Lynna Belle Thomas, what in the world are you doing? I woke up and went to wake you up for school and just so happened to discover that you weren’t there!”

    Lynn looked down, ashamed. “I entered the Game.”

“You what?” Mrs. Thomas screeched. “Lynn, how could you? I specifically told you not to!”

   “I didn’t see why I couldn’t! And it’s the last year I can enter before I’m too old!”

Her mother was on the ground now, sobbing. But she managed to compose herself enough to lay an ultimatum on her daughter. “If you come back, if you’re still safe, you’re going to be grounded for…for 2 months. No negotiations.”

    Lynn accepted the conditions in her head as Mrs. Thomas turned to walk back to the house, knowing that she was officially entered in the Game and it couldn’t be taken back. However, the last thing her mother had said puzzled her.

“What do you mean, if I come back? If I’m still safe?

  But her mother just motioned for Lynn to come on, and Lynn complied with a confused sigh.
     As she walked forward, she glanced around and realized they were on Cassidy’s street, and she’d been watching the whole thing from her window. She gave Lynn a questioning look, and Lynn simply waved for her to go, she would see her at school.


“What the heck happened earlier?” Cassidy confronted Lynn right away when she arrived at the bus stop later. Lynn pushed her hair out of her face. “Well, there’s good news and bad news. Good news is I entered the Game.”

    At that, Cassidy exploded to life. “Really? So you’re in?”

Lynn nodded. “Yep. But the bad news is, my mom’s gonna kill me! I entered without her permission and she got so made in front of your house earlier when she found out. She said she’d ground me for 2 months after it’s over.”

     “Oh, that sucks.” She cringed. “But you’re really in?”


Message to Readers

ANY AND ALL FEEDBACK IS WELCOME! This is my second draft and revision ideas are immensely helpful. :P Even if you hate it, please tell me!!

Peer Review

I can't believe Lynn will only get grounded for 2 months! However, aside from that, I'm happy that your novel still holds my attention. Still waiting to know what the Game actually IS though!! :)

I'd like to know what makes Mrs. Thomas so averted to the Game. How does she know it's dangerous? Why don't other parents seem to share the same concerns?

Reviewer Comments

I'm enjoying reading your work <3