Peer Review by starry eyed (United States of America)

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peeling off the stars

By: paperbird


FREE WRITING

i used to plaster stars to my bedroom walls
little green monsters
spikes like snaring claws
they shot about when my eyelids closed,
lamented like hummingbirds—
too quick to see, too pretty to stay.
i was lulled to sleep by their
whispering shadows;
the night sky seared into lucid visions
the galaxies present atop stiff peaks
painted, as if by van gogh, in my wildest dreams.
it’s funny, really,
because the stars that stare are from an eon ago
and they say time’s not present when you’re looking at spacetime—
but why did my world still spin?
the time increased, and
no longer did i hear the stars
and 
it was not the voices here that mattered
it was out there:
the shouts lashed at one another like gobs of lightning
slashing food fights
my mother’s screaming face, cream on her cheeks
my father, taking fistfuls of electricity from the gods
plunging thunder deep into the air like zeus;
panic flew like a housefly
and van gogh’s landscape appeared before me
but the great curls of the starry night
had turned to my mother’s angry lips.
and so i peeled off my stars, one by one
to let the shouts scream me to sleep
and their greenish corpses littered my trashbin
they were carried to the dumps
where they slid into the sky.
i thought i still might feel them
glowing up my insides
filling the gaps
where the voices tore me
but it was an illusion
they were gone:
i had peeled my heart away.


Message to Readers

draft ii. help me.


Peer Review

This piece is very well done! The imagery and the wording you used painted the scene very well. The conclusion wrapped it up very nicely, especially the last line. I also feel that the use of only lower case added character to the writing.


It might have added more to the piece if you elaborated on the conclusion, going more into depth on what affects throwing your stars away had on you.


Reviewer Comments

I loved this! The connection between stick on stars and ones heart was very creative. Your writing style is very strong!