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5teen. posts once in a blue moon
communist & survivor & latina & angry

february fourth 2019 - a transcript of a recording i made while locked in my room

February 4, 2019


i'm turning fourteen tomorrow. 

i think my mom will wake me up with some cheesecake. no i think she'll try but she won't get the time right because i think tomorrow i'll shower in the morning instead of showering tonight, because my hair looks okay right now but when i wake up it'll be messed up and i don't want to look gross when i turn fourteen. i think she'll put some honey in the tea n maybe make me coffee in an effort to keep me awake or spiraling on the day that's supposed to be mine.

maybe tonight i'll have another dream like the one i had last night,
where i'm standing on a beach somewhere on the coast n i'm wearing 
yellow sweater
high-waisted jeans skinny size 0 h&m made in indonesia in 2017 probably by children being paid 2 cents a day
and those black socks that always disappear in the washer
n i'm on the beach and the sky looks like it did two years ago, when i held my dad's phone and filmed meredith on her sled

n in this dream i stand on the beach and the waves are small. and there's an island. right across the water just where i can't reach. and on the island, meredith is standing in that yellow dress she wore in addams family when she played that crazy mom. i think it had flowers on it - but where they roses or sunflowers? or stitched on? i can't remember but i do remember her hair tied up and the too-much makeup that looked fine on the stage but blurs when she spins me around at the afterparty n then feeds me some cake. i remember holding her hands n knowing she's my friend, my best friend, my soulmate, my one and only, my maid of honor, she'll give a toast at my wedding where she laughs about memories and tells my wife to take care of me

n in this dream, i'm trying to reach her. n she's surrounded by my friends n she's holding cheesecake and laughing
but the waves are too tall and i am too short (i've always been too short)

n when i woke up this morning i cried. (and now i'm crying while i sing this to a ukelele background)

i can't believe i'll spend my first birthday since i was eight without her here. not even ada or her socks, or adrienne playing the piano too loudly and waking up my dad who never sleeps right n we're sure why (we tell him to go to the doctors but he just insists he's not good at sleeping which is true)

n tomorrow i'll go to school and the hot teacher will sing me happy birthday and carla will smile but she won't laugh or hold my hand because i don't think we're really friends yet, even if she lets me copy the castellano homework

speaking of the homework i haven't done and won't do because my chest is heavy and i think, i wonder if i'm having a heart attack right now? i'll search up the symptoms right now on my phone. i have all of them, so i guess i should call my mom and tell her to call an ambulance

but maybe if i have a heart attack she'll let me go home, back home

i keep thinking that i am going to die. or meredith. or ada. or maya. i don't wanna die and i don't want them to die. i don't wanna die i'm so so so scared of dying. i'm scared that they'll die, and i won't get to say goodbye or hug them or tell them about all the things that happened today. i feel like they're going to die all the time it's all i can think about in class in school at home in bed 

mer promised me a road trip. how can we take a road trip with this heart attack in my chest? how can i get my birthday presents if i die today because i'm having heart attack n yet i can't seem to move my legs and go tell my mom to call 911

n i'm so scared of dying i don't wanna die n all i want is home home home
all i want is to be somewhere where everybody knows my name.
overthinking for  words


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  • February 4, 2019 - 2:08pm (Now Viewing)

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  • jun lei

    this. god, this. i'm stunned. dumbstruck. at loss for words.
    it's just so real.

    8 months ago
  • a sprig of pink

    OoF. this is deep as fuck.

    almost 2 years ago
  • Johanna

    I hope you're okay, and a late happy birthday! Never give up, yeah? <3

    almost 2 years ago
  • Anha

    oof this is heavy. hope you spend your birthday doing happier things, and never be afraid to reach out to those you trust. it's better than screaming into the void. love you <3

    almost 2 years ago
  • janice

    I turned fourteen yesterday! Happy birthday!!!

    almost 2 years ago