Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
Thank you for having read and taken your time to write reviews about my first published piece. I really appreciate it! This is the re-edited piece after reading the advice given to me. Thank you again and to anyone who is reading this for the first time please feel free to tell me what you thought . I really wan to make this the best it can be. Thanks again!
The line "The words provided such a vividly colourless frame of mind that I couldn't put the book down". I loooooooove reading books that keep me engulfed in the plot. The description adds onto that frame of mind that I have.
a). I think that the writer could've included what the stakes are in the novel. There's repetition on the whole "perfect society" concept, but I don't really know what the stakes are here for Jonas, only that something happens. Maybe a bit of a hint as to why the thing that happens is so bad might captivate me a bit more. b). There's a lot of repetition on some concepts and sentences-they're mostly reworded. And some sentences have the same word twice which is a little confusing. (I highlighted some of them, I don't if I got them all though. But it's your review so I hope you catch them :D)
I would vary the sentence length. I saw a lot of run-on sentences that could definitely become two sentences. Also, some of the wording is a bit weird, so I would recommend that you explicitly word what you're trying to say then reword it to make it more formal (my mom gave me this advice for writing essays and it hasn't failed me yet). Oh! One last thing, I think you may have written two summaries of the book in two different places?? I marked them as "one" and "two". Maybe make them one? I'm not 100% what to say about that because you're the one who's writing it not me, but I would look it over.
This is a really good start. I'm tempted to reread "The Giver" now :D (The last time I read it was in 5th grade lmao) I definitely like the way that you asserted your opinion because I have a really hard time doing that, so I learned a lot from you (I hope you can reciprocate.) Good job! I wish you the best of luck and I hope you do really good!
I'm so sorry if this sound harsh or nit-picky, I just want to help you write the best you can. I know that from the bottom of my heart that you are an amazing writer.