Peer Review by AminahMcBina (United States)

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Flynn Rewrites A DSAF 3 Scene Because He Needs To Practice Scene Writing (2/?)

By: Doktor Habit


fandom content: dayshift at freddy's (3, specifically)
spoilers?: correct
tw: swearing, davetrap making everyone involved uncomfortable
remember that time way back when where i said i'd stop drowning y'all in my interests one day? i lied. local flynn takes way too long on part two of a series that probably isn't even worth reading
    It was as if time itself had frozen. Jack stared directly at the..the thing behind him, towering over him like a looming terror ready to take him at any time. To only make matters worse, he knew the monster being this way was his fault, and he knew who it was before it became what it was then. Dave. Or, some form of him, at least. Certainly, not the same one he met in the Flipside just a month ago, but that was a story too long to explain at the time. He was snapped out of his sudden trance by the creature--Davetrap's--voice. It sounded almost just like the old Dave's voice, but..tired. Forced out. Choked out from torn apart vocal cords and springlocked flesh.
    "Why hello there, old friend!The way it spoke struck all the wrong notes in Jack's mind. He snapped his head back towards the door, his attempts to open it get more frantic and more forceful. Behind him, the creature's head tilted slightly. A quiet thump sounded throughout the room as it took a step closer.
    "Aren't you goin' to turn around?" Jack suddenly stood straight up, hand shooting away from the door. He was shaking, badly--his legs felt as if he'd been standing for hours on end. He felt oddly aware of his surroundings. The building had become colder. The rain outside was nearly deafening. The scent of dust and cobweb prickled at his brain. The presence of the thing behind him, looming over him became smothering. Summoning all the courage he could and clinging onto it, he fully turned to face what remained of the man he knew. Somehow, the thing was grinning with the hinged jaw on the rabbit suit. Jack found himself frozen again, staring the rotting creature in the face. Its 'smile' only grew wider when he turned, like it was happy to see him. That thought made Jack's stomach churn. His adrenaline spiked, but he had nowhere to run, and no chance of hiding.
    "Look who it is!" Once again, the dark grin on its face spread further--or, as much as it really could, the state it was in these days. "Sportsy...I knew you'd come back! I knew I could find you.." Davetrap lumbered a short distance forward, almost causing Jack's heart to stop. He backed up against the door, not daring to take his sight off of the being in front of him.
    "Sportsy, I--" Suddenly, cutting it off mid-sentence, Davetrap began coughing, leading into a long series of painful coughs that caused it to keel over as it happened. Jack stared quietly, feeling a sort of guilt. This was his fault. Dave being in the state he was in now was his fault. Jack wanted this. He agreed to this. But..did he truly want this to happen? He didn't have time to think about it now, for his mouth spoke without him telling it to.
    "..Dave.." Davetrap snapped back up straight, once again towering over the human at the door. The smile looked almost sad, now. Looking at what remained of his old coworker--his old partner--his old friend. Another pang of guilt shot through him. It hurt to see it the way it was. And somehow, something in him was eager to see Dave again. The Dave he'd known for years instead of the one in the flipside. The one he planned with, committed heinous crimes with... The one he went to Vegas with... 
    "I've seen better days, Sportsy..."  Davetrap shook his--its head, gaze cast down at the floor. Jack had settled slightly--he concluded that it didn't plan on hurting him, despite its ominous presence. He nodded awkwardly, unsure of how to keep a conversation with a 7ft tall possessed rotting animatronic rabbit. Davetrap took a few steps closer, causing Jack to press his back against the door in a desperate attempt to get away.
    "Come on closer, Old Sport...It's been so long; an' my eyes haven't been so hot these past few decades." It leaned down, now breaking the precious personal space bubble Jack had so carefully tried to put between them. Its face was now inches away from Jack's, and fortunately, it only lasted a few moments before it moved back away from him again. Jack allowed himself to breathe, panting slightly, gasping for air as if the creature's close presence had been choking him. He was still pressed back against the door, fingers scratching slightly against the old wood behind him in a sort of feeble attempt to escape. Davetrap chuckled darkly. Jack swallowed his fear and spoke.
    "D...Dave...What're you doing here...??" Davetrap's head tilted slightly out of confusion.
    "This is my home, Sportsy!" The golden rabbit threw its arms out like a ringmaster in the center of a spotlight, just before the show had started. "It's where I died for the last time. It's my tomb, and my bachelor pad!" Jack went to speak, but it continued.
    "They sealed me in a dark room over 30 years ago! Thought they could just...board up their problems...but, someone tore down the planks, and took me with 'em to a cheesy horror attraction. It was an okay gig, for a while." It shrugged, a quiet creaking noise sounding from the bloodied joints of the suit. "Tacky props, reheated pizza.. but one thing was missin'." Suddenly, it leaned in much too close for comfort, thrusting a finger in Jack's face, almost poking his eye out. 
    "Y O U." 
It leaned back again, starting to pace as it spoke.
    "Every night, I searched the halls of that maze, being lead around by the echoey laugh of that plastic balloon GREMLIN! I thought..." It turned its head back towards Jack, grinning wider than before. " had to come back eventually? You always come back!" Its posture slumped, smile draining from it. The creature's gaze cast towards the floor. " didn't.."
    Jack nodded slowly, starting to settle ever so slightly. He didn't move away from the apparent safety of up against the door, however. He forced a tiny smile.
    "Dave..what...happened to you? You look--" he struggled to look for words that weren't 'fucking terrible--' "...woah."
    Good enough! Davetrap grinned, striking a pose.    
    "I know, I know! I don't look half bad fer' a gal my age, do I?" Davetrap chuckled darkly again. Jack failed to stifle a giggle. Despite his appearance now, it seemed as if Dave still had his humor. The rotting rabbit stopped laughing, sighing softly.
    "Ah, Sportsy... I knew y'wouldn't leave me."  It tilted its head, still grinning. "Let's go home, Old Sport."
    Jack's face blanked.
    "Yeah! Take me home, Sportsy! To your pizzeria! Take me t' Freddy's! I could help ya run the show, hide bodies, eat kebabs...See..?? I'm useful!" During his sentence, Davetrap had stepped closer and closer to the point Jack had to look almost straight up to see his face. Jack nervously tried to shove the other back to no avail--fortunately, though, it took the hint and backed off a little. A little being just one step--there was still little to no distance between them, and once again, Jack was hugging the door with his back. Davetrap hesitated. It took a couple of steps backward, eyes cast towards the floor. 
    "Please don't leave me all alone again.." The way it almost seemed..sad. Its emotion seemed real. Human. There were a long, long fifteen minutes of dead silence as Jack thought heavily. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock... Davetrap no longer looked back up. The quiet had droned on for much too long, and he believed he already knew the answer to his desperate requests. Suddenly, though...Jack moved forward, resting a hand on the other's arm with a small smile on his face. He'd come to a decision, after what had felt like hours of thinking and looking back on old memories. It was a strange decision, yes--however, you must understand that Jack is not himself, and he'll never be himself again.
    "I've missed you, old friend," Jack said, grinning. Davetrap took a moment to process what he was saying, but when it dawned on him, the lifeless eyes of the body he was in seemed to light up, and his signature grin spread back across his "face."
    "Wise choice, old sport!" Davetrap fully straightened back up, once again towering over Jack. He continued speaking as he unlocked the door for Jack.
    "We're a family, Sportsy! Just you see!" He went ahead and stepped out first, looking back over his shoulder at the orange fellow behind him, his grin growing face-breakingly wide.

    "It'll be just like I never died!"

Message to Readers

this should end well
!!!!!feedback is important, lads!!!!!
edit: did anyone else see that piece that uploaded all of the current digits of pi because holy shit
"all the world will be your enemy, prince of a thousand enemies. and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. but first, they must catch you. digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning-- be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed." - richard adams, watership down

Peer Review

The entire piece delighted me! After the cliffhanger of the first one, I needed to know what was gonna happen to Jack.

...Keep reading to find out what happens next....

Reviewer Comments