Peer Review by AminahMcBina (United States)

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Flynn Rewrites A DSAF 3 Scene Because He Needs To Practice Scene Writing (1/?)

By: Doktor Habit


fandom content: dayshift at freddy's (3, specifically)
spoilers?: yeah
tw: N/A i don't think?

An ear-splitting noise croaked from the door's hinges as Jack pushed it open. Some of the rust from the knob stained his skin, but he didn't mind it. Stepping into the old building, he was met with a very familiar sight--the last Fazbender's location which he'd worked at before he moved in with his brother. He broke into a brief coughing fit--the restaurant had been abandoned for years, and it had built up its dust and rot. As he shut the door behind him, the rain outside became muffled, and the temperature of the area he was in crashed onto him like a wave. He shuddered against the cold, muttering to himself. Adjusting his tie, he stepped further into the building and began to wander. He had told 14_01 he was going to try and salvage an old animatronic, but he was more there to just...well, walk. The walls of Location #51 held by the foundation of vivid memories of the good ol' days. Jack chuckled softly at thinking to back then--to pestering Peter to half-death, to reuniting with Dee, to...his time with Dave. He wasn't laughing anymore. He spaced out slightly as he wandered, taking in the old sights now covered in rats and rot. Moss grew from cracks in the walls, and spider-webs both old and new hugged the corners of almost every room. Stepping into the office, he felt a spike of something strange in his brain. He couldn't precisely..identify what the feeling was. Mourning? Nostalgia? Something more? 
    ..No. None of those.
    It was the feeling of being watched. 
    Paranoia drove Jack back into the main room, fidgeting with his sleeves, glancing around frantically. He tried to take deep breaths--relax, now. It's just the dark getting to you, Jack. Nothing could be there. Satisfied with his self-comfort, he reached for the doorknob.
    The doorknob clicked and struggled against its mechanisms feebly, but there was no denying the fact that the door was locked. Jack's eyes widened, and he frantically jiggled the knob a little more to no avail. That..can't be right. He didn't lock it behind him, and it didn't lock automatically, which meant...
Noises from behind him. They sounded like metallic footsteps, lifting slowly and slamming loudly against the old withering floors. Whatever it was, it must've heard him. The figure began to emerge from the shadows, casting a darkness over Jack as he was at the door. He slowly turned, swallowing hard. The creature was roughly 7ft tall--a large, golden animatronic rabbit, the suit stained in dried blood, flesh and wires seeping from multiple tears and holes. Its eyes landed onto Jack, frozen like a deer in headlights at the door.

Peer Review

I really loved the idea of the rewriting. I enjoyed the suspense and horror, as well!

So this is like FNAF? (I'm horrible at these sorts of thing).

Reviewer Comments

Well done, and never stop writing!