Peer Review by loveletterstosappho (United States)

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loser

By: acrosstheskysky


FREE WRITING

i wanted to yell
at you
hurl words of hot coal and steel blades with
horrible, rage-fueled strength
(i'm not even sure why)

maybe i thought you were responsible for
the rusty screws twisting in my gut,
the thick molasses seeping through my veins,
the polluted sewage clogging my lungs
(i wasn't thinking straight)

or maybe i thought i could
get rid of it all through this,
some sort of deep cleaning that would
extract the broken glass
(though it never seems to work)

but either way
in the end it's me
whose eyes and cheeks are stained
with saltwater
and i'm the loser
(but there really isn't a winner in this)


 

i edited this a lot and i'm still not 100% happy so feedback would be greatly appreciated!

Peer Review

the metaphors are GORGEOUS and the parentheses at the end of each paragraph are used so skillfully and layer on more and more emotion. you also create vulnerability in this piece and it's beautiful and tbh i think i'm going to cry


there's a good balance between what I know and what I don't know. I'm obviously curious about the context but context being provided would take away relatability from many other readers and also confine the situation.


Reviewer Comments

i'm in love with your writing and this piece only solidifies my admiration. it's powerful, emotional, and vulnerable, just overall incredible. i've been rereading this and it takes my breath away each time (as well as making me want to cry more).
as always, there might be multiple highlights over a word, phrase, line, or paragraph.